What Depression is to Me.

When I was younger, I use to just know I was depressed. All I wanted to do at those times was cry. Or have irrational thoughts on ending my life. I would cut, hide it. Cry, hide it. Battle in my own head and feelings and feel like the world was ending.

As time went on some of those feelings stopped. Became confusing even. I wondered where it went. I lost the urges to cut, when one cut was so deep I almost succeeded. And I remember thinking "I'm good after this, I know never to do that again." And I carried on.

All the while, never being truly happy. To think back to every day of my life, I can't remember not even one 100% fully happy day. Where I was happy and had no fear of my brain ruining it. Never a day where my own conscious didn't eat at me, or my gut saying "you're happy for the moment, but what's gonna be here to ruin it soon?"

I never thought about it til recently, but I guess my depression never left. It just changed forms. Changed inside of me, changed, well, ME.

These days I'm realizing my depression isn't just the days I want to cry, or feel like the world is ending. It's also the days its a fight to move from the bed, a fight to remember I must make myself eat, no matter how much I think I don't want to. It's forcing what seems like the daily "chores" to me of life, that other people seem to enjoy. It's the negative outlook I constantly have, the worry, the anxiety, the anger that I wonder where it comes from. It's the emotions I can't explain and the ones I can explain too well. It's believing this will never change, or that this is normal me. 

It's being afraid to tell a Dr, because you don't know if they will truly listen. Its your friends listening and even when you know they understand it doesn't ease the feelings. Its pretending to be ok, when you're falling apart. Its smiling through a scream and crying through a smile.